"What Love is This?"

I Will Remember

2011-01-14T12:21:00.000-08:00

Forever I will keep their faces engraved

The sound of their voice

The childish melody of their singing

The clutch of their hands

The embrace of their arms

The giggle in every laugh

The softness of each tear

The pound of every heartbeat resonates in my soul

A Humble Heart

2011-01-13T12:06:00.000-08:00

My heart aches

My heart rejoices

The corrupted heart of man

blackens the souls of the community

My heart aches

I'm on my knees in prayer

A lost soul comes to Christ

Struggles continue, he finds strength in Christ

My heart rejoices

I'm on my knees in prayer

A child baptized today

Made into a new creation through the Son

My heart rejoices

I'm on my knees in prayer

My heart aches

My heart rejoices

Blessed by the day

2011-01-13T12:00:00.000-08:00

I wake up early in the morning, the sun is yet to rise.

Everything is still but the gentle wind pushing through the palm trees

and the waves softly rolling onto shore.

The boats rock back and forth as the sun begins to take over the sky.

Reminded of grace.

Overwhelmed by love.

Blessed by the day.

A captive to creativity

2011-01-12T20:35:00.000-08:00

Unreal beauty surrounds me, I am it's captive.

My mind taken to places I could not conceive.

I do not resist, for there is still more to see.

But which is more beautiful?

That which is seen? or that which is unseen?

I surrender myself to the Creative.

Fearless Love

2011-01-12T20:25:00.000-08:00

En route to Belize

excited and fearful

Not fearful of risk or danger

but fearful of my own lack of faith

That my denial will hinder

another's chance for love

We must persist in fear

Persist in our struggles

Persist in love

We must love with no fear

(1 John 4:17-19)

Stories

2011-01-04T05:13:00.000-08:00

I can tell you stories that will make your heart sing
and stories that will make your heart cry
stories of dark beginnings
and sunrise endings
Stories of no hope
and stories of pure faith
I can even tell you stories of angels.
And each story, molded by the hand of God.

Off to Belize

2010-12-24T11:38:00.000-08:00

A Life of Faith

2010-12-15T01:46:00.000-08:00

Living a life of faith is not for the spiritual blind,

but for the strong and fearless

For those not afraid to trust and pour out everything they have

everything they are for Christ, Messiah

Living a life of faith is to find peace when all else feels broken

Peace in God's embrace

08-03-2010

That Thought

2010-12-15T01:40:00.000-08:00

There's a thought lingering in my mind

and it won't go away.

it just sits,

Waiting.

day and night.

It's in my dreams.

it follows me wherever I go!

it won't go away.

But I can't take that chance

to risk everything that is good.

So I wait.

Not being controlled by the thought,

but for the right time to let it go

08-03-2010

Just beyond

2010-11-29T00:06:00.000-08:00

Its always just beyond where we are
that we always want to be
just beyond that hill
that we can barely even see
but i look at where i am
that i so often overlook
and see that even here
is quite a good place to be
but i climb that hill
just to see what could be
what else could be there?
What else is there to see?!
it does not take a day
it does not take year
even still, i am not quite there
but it is then that i see
whether i am here
or whether i am there
is quite possibly
right where i need to be

11-29-10

Past Times

2010-11-27T09:00:00.000-08:00

Remembering all the times
and all those faces,
all those smiles and tired eyes.
All the questions of what to do
when time was empty with anywhere to go.
All the adventures with mystery endings
with fountains and treasures
and good food too.
To hide it all and walk with faith
and clearly see
with patient hearts
Only time will tell when it comes together
When to let it pass
and when to never let go

7-27-10

Bliss

2010-11-26T21:05:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when the light comes in
I close my eyes to feel the air
Its nice to know
the peace of mind
that comes with time
and rested hearts
To give it all
and leave it be
is to be at home
when all else falls.

7-26-10

Waiting

2010-11-26T21:00:00.000-08:00

It seems harder to hold a conversation
as all I am is silence

A time to relax and breathe
A time to prepare physically and spiritually

for the job to be done
that i am yet to know what it is

7-26-10

Serenity

2010-11-25T21:05:00.000-08:00

Theres something serene
about this morning
Everyone is busy
in their conversations and breakfast
But theres something nice
about stepping back and watching
Seeing different personalities and moods
of different people

7-26-10

On of those nights

2010-11-25T21:00:00.001-08:00

My ankle is swollen again. Just like it was in New York.

Everyone is calling out different medications and pills to take and try

The frustration raised with so many voices

A calming breath comes with prayer

The pain is almost on the verge of tears

I am thankful for the prayers and concerns, but for now will wait to see what happens

God, I ask for the strength to serve you

I feel strength in prayer as we trust in Him for His perfect will

7-25-10

Divine Voice

2010-11-25T01:02:00.000-08:00

Cant you hear it?!

That devine voice we so often confuse as our own. Whether by fear or denial we reject that divine mystery.

Be still!

wait!

listen

It is not for me to say that which is spoken to you only to pursue that which is spoken to me. Is there anything more urgent than this? Who am I to reject that which is divine.

11-24-10

Unknown Ground

2010-11-24T21:05:00.000-08:00

Is it who we are or who we need to be?
The road we are going to travel is shaped by the road we have been
A one way street with no exits
Changing with each step we take
A faith to know the sturdy ground
Vision to see through the thick fog.
We are the blind walking through a mystery

7-25-10

The Hotel

2010-11-24T09:00:00.000-08:00

At the hotel there is still no rest
teams break up to practice and prepare
all the preparation for the one moment to share
our weakness shows our faith in Christ
prayer, rest, and dreams
before a day of serving the Lord

7-24-10

Anxious Thoughts

2010-11-23T21:05:00.000-08:00

It seems we travel more than we stay
Is the power of one action enough to change a life for Christ?
Is it enough to show the love of God and the power of the Holy Spirit?
God, what do you want me to do here?
For you, everything is worth it

7-24-10

Morning Meditation

2010-11-23T21:00:00.000-08:00

Meditation to prepare the heart and soul
Time with God through Word and prayer
A joyous heart begins the journey
to overflow His love and grace
A time to play
A time to rest
A time to work
More time to pray

7-23-10

New Sights

2010-11-22T21:10:00.000-08:00

To travel and see is to experience and live
A life
That could be
maybe
A language, a culture, the food
so
much
food
It's beautiful
The buildings, the nature
Too much to take in
Too full to try

7-23-10

Mornings

2010-11-22T21:05:00.000-08:00

A casual early wakeup and a cold shower to start the day.
Another buffet for breakfast, a 2 hour meal and an overly satisfied stomach.

7-23-10

Landing

2010-11-22T21:00:00.000-08:00

Landing soon
Everybody's awake making final preparations
Babies finally resting
Windows open in hopes to see sights of land
Light overtakes the cabin
God, use me here
Your will be done

7-22-10

Constant Faith

2010-11-21T23:33:00.000-08:00

The constant nature of motion
moves in ways unexpected

unyielding and faithful

We are faithful to follow
A plan not of our own

The cycle continues

segmented
and
fractured

If we are constant in faith
we find peace when we find an answer
that was unnecessary to find

7-21-10

Time and Rhythm

2010-11-21T23:24:00.000-08:00

*The following is a series of poems written while on a missions trip in the Philippines.

When time is still
The future is a distant dream
Time beats on to a slow, slow rhythm
One beat more
One beat more
A look to the left
A look to the right
Settled by a deep deep breathe
Waking up to find time
In the same place as before

7-21-10

Let this love overflow

2010-09-13T00:08:00.000-07:00

John 21 15 -17

15 When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?”
“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
16 Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you truly love me?”
He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”
17 The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.

Oh how i want to fly

2010-08-24T18:30:00.000-07:00

Oh how I want to fly on the wing of an airplane
To sit on the edge and look down
To hold out my arms and feel the air through my hands
To feel the rumble of the plane beneath
and the gentle breeze above
I'll wear my pilot cap and goggles
and maybe a jacket too
Oh how I want to fly on the wing of an airplane

Settling in

2010-08-24T02:26:00.000-07:00

Now that we've been back for a little over a week, I'm finally able to take it all in. I could talk for days and days about how amazing this trip to the Philippines was. Stories from every day in Kabankalan and in Manila and Payatas. Stories of every breath taking view, of every generous family and every experience and person that shaped the trip. Tonight, as I was reading excerpts from the book Hipster Christianity there was a brief section on missions. It talked about the appeal of different types of missions such as service based and evangelical based. The author gave a story of how when they would return from their trip he would go in front of his church during their Sunday service and give a report of their accomplishments. Through all the stories that had happened on their trip he would focus on the souls that came to Christ. Ironically enough this past Sunday representatives from our team went up and gave a report on our recent mission to the Philippines. And i wonder if that was me up there what would I report back?

Every time some one asks me of the trip in a passing conversation all I can say (as well as many others that went) is it was amazing. Genuinely, the best trip I have ever been a part of. But thats where it ends. I don't want to waste time with my monotonous stories. And depending on their faith (if any) I will tell different experiences in hopes to relate better with the listener only hinting on God here and there in fears of their judgement on my faith. But if they give the time, I like to tell my favorite story. Some have already heard several times, but every time I tell it, God's work in action blows me away. Let me start from the beginning:

It took 3 full days before we got to our first missional destination. Myself and some of the other students on the trip arrived one day early to visit family.1 day to Manila, 1 day in Manila (while visiting friend's family I never realized you could eat so much in one day. The food was incredible by the way), and one day to Kabankalan. Over the trip I tried to keep an active journal throughout the day to track different thoughts that would come up. During the 3 days on our way to Kabankalan I remember one entry that read:

"Is all this really worth it? How is one action, one conversation really going to change a life for Christ?"

After 3 days of travel you get anxious. Then Finally! we arrive late into the night. Everything is going great until our first night there my ankle is bitten by bug and infected. Sunday we attend a couple different services and are introduces to the places and people we will work with. At this time my ankle is only slightly swollen. I didn't think too much of it since it's the third that's happened to that ankle. I forgot about the medication and doctor visits from the first two. That night after returning back to the hotel after dinner, my ankle was in serious pain. Thankfully everyone jumped right in eager to help. Needless to say it was easy to sleep that night from all the medication. Monday was the first real day getting into the work. I couldn't feel any pain in the ankle from the continued pain medication. After giving my testimony to over 1,100 students at the first school we visited a second school and hosted a second service. Being on my feet all day probably wasn't the best idea.

By Monday night the infection had gotten a lot worse and was beginning to creep half way up my leg. So we end up in the hospital. 500 pesos, 2 prescriptions, and 1 ordered day of bed rest later we're back at the hotel. All day Tuesday I'm stuck in bed elevating my ankle to slow the infection. Missing out on serving in the morning and a beach in tropical rain in the afternoon. But the day wasn't spent in vain. After a day of silence and solitude, writing and thought, prayer and Word, I finally come to peace with the situation. I remember praying that night "God, whatever state i'm in, just use me where ever I am". At the end of the night when the team returns they put me in a room, anoint me with oil, and pray for my healing. This brought further peace of mind.

So the next morning I lie about my ankle feeling better in order to go and help serve. At the school, before the service is starting myself and a couple other team members are at the door of the Church greeting students as they walked in. Our Pastor walks by gives me one look and says I can't be standing on my ankle then walks away. Disappointed, I take a seat at the back of the Church to elevate the ankle. A few pews in front of me was a student by himself. So I walk up to him and start a conversation. Just like every conversation before it was dry and awkwardly ends as I walk away. When I return to my seat there's another student a few feet away from me. At first I was a little intimidated to talk to him but as I scoot my chair over the conversation opens up immediately.

Right away he begins asking of my testimony and why we came to their school and I was able to ask about his background and how he felt about the week so far. The conversation was cut short due the the service starting but as I was walking away a feeling came that he wasn't saved. That night in our small groups as we shared our prayer requests I asked if we could pray over this student. At the end of the next days service the students are presented with the opportunity to accept Christ. As everyone was leaving those who accepted Christ where called to come to the front of the Church. I look back to where I had the conversation yesterday in hopes to see my new friend to see him waving me down. He starts walking to the front of the Church and all I can think is "Wow, Really God? How? You are amazing." It blew me away seeing God work first hand to bring his life to Him, against my presumptions. After hearing more of his story I see the bracelet on my wrist that our church was selling to help fundraiser for the trip and get the desire to give him the bracelet. Though that day I never got the chance. The next day we played the school's college varsity basketball team. regardless of how bad they beat us in the game, since my friend was on the team it gave us another chance to talk and meet. Finally on our last day at the school, only a couple hours before we left for the airport I was able to have one last conversation with him. During which he gave me one of his bracelets as a gift. Which again blew me away and I was able to give him the bracelet I had hoped to give him. As we stay in touch, seeing the bracelet is a reminder of God's work and reminder to keep him and his continued faith in my prayers.

I am so blessed that God was able to use me in such a way on this trip. As always there are mistakes I've made that I wish i could go back and have a second chance. Times I wish I was more Christ focused rather than my desire for adventure. Either way God has used each experience to help shape me and I am so thankful for all of your prayers and support for the trip.

A closer heart with God

2010-06-23T23:50:00.000-07:00

As we all desire to have a closer heart with God, we are easily distracted by so many things. Our love for God and our desire to know him more should be the root of all our actions. Whether that be spending time in the word, in prayer, in fast, at work, or as servants; it all stems out from our love for God. Which is hard a lot of the time because we don't always want what God wants. Not only is this hurting ourselves, but those close to us as well. It's hard seeing people you love and care for in chaos. Myself included, falling short displaying the Love God has given us. It's amazingly difficult surrendering everything we have and everything we are to have a closer heart with God. But in the end, what else is worth it?

"I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing

Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things."

Philippians 3:8

Dust

2010-06-01T02:48:00.000-07:00

It's overwhelming sometimes
The struggle between hope and doubt
a battle of unattainable knowledge
endlessly seeking the puzzle of reason
a trail of logic ending at the capacity of our minds
our doubt dims the pathway to hope
what do we have but love?
unyielding and faithful
rooted in the wisdom of the old
bestowed on us by grace
if all we have is love,
then is that what we were created for?
or is everything we see mere silhouettes on a cave wall?
we do not seek significance in this world
for we are only dust
we seek love

Where to go?

2010-05-09T23:14:00.000-07:00

For so long now, I would love to go on a long term mission trip. The ability to live outside of the distractions of a politically correct life, outside the temptations of getting lost in my selfish desires. The ability to life a life as a family, community, and servant (Which we have just as many opportunity to life that here). To be able to love on people who are so open to hearing the good news, rather than facing those who are stuck in their own subjective logic (I, myself, am not separate from this).

My view has always been that those of us in America have so many opportunities to hear the Word, with a church on nearly every block, If you don't receive Christ, it's out of your own ignorance. Why should I try to share this grace if you have no desire to learn of it? And once again Jonah comes to mind.

Jonah ran from God not because he had no desire to serve, but because he didn't feel the people God was calling him to go to deserved God's grace. There have been people in my life that I can't stand to be around. Every time they talk I cringe with hate. I didn't want to share God's love with them because I didn't want them to have it. And it doesn't seem like much has changed. I've withheld God's love of those around me because I didn't feel they deserved it. How much of a jerk have i been? Who am I to judge? I am no greater than any one who walks the dust of this earth.

But theres more to Jonah's running away. God was calling Jonah to go to Nineveh, the capitol of Assyria, and proclaim to them on the streets to repent and ask forgiveness for their sins or they will be destroyed. The funny thing is, at the time, the Assyrians were the enemy of Jonah's people, the Galilean's. Really God? To go to your enemy's streets and yell to them to ask forgiveness to for their sins or they will be destroyed? Maybe Jonah ran because he felt the Ninevites didn't deserve Gods grace, maybe he ran because he feared they would surely kill him on the streets. Either way from the perspective of man, Jonah had legit reasons to run.

When Jonah finally went to the streets of Nineveh the entire city fasted and asked forgiveness. And what did God do? He forgave them. This is where Jonah's reaction gets interesting.

¹ But Jonah was greatly displeased and became angry. ² He prayed to the LORD, "O LORD, is this not what I said when I was still at home? That is why I was so quick to flee to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity

Jonah 4:1-2

Jonah actually got angry at God for showing them grace! How often do we hold back God's love because we're either afraid fro our lives, both physically and socially, or that we don't feel those around us deserve God's grace?

Come the end of this year I will no longer be tied down by school, one roommate who will be moving in with his brother, and another roommate who may be in Tanzania (Which is awesome!). Then on top of that I have a job that allows me to work from anywhere. What does this mean? what does this point to?

As much as I desire to live and serve full time I can't help but feel there are multiple things holding me back. First of all myself. I know there's part of me that fears dropping everything I have lived my life for up until this point, and serving. There's part of me feeling that I am not prepared both spiritually and in wisdom to be the Christ like example in people's life. But at the same there's so much out there that needs the love of Christ. How much I would love to aide those who were trapped into human trafficking, Or bring God's word to people who don't even have the Bible translated in their own language! There's so much work to be done and here I am making pretty little graphics on my computer.

Then theres part of me that feels my calling is here. That I have the ability to make large amounts of money and give it all away. To support those who are reaching out for Christ, Those ambassadors that fearlessly go where God call them to be.

So who am I? The ambassador or the supporter?

safe: word study

2010-05-08T18:34:00.000-07:00

This is a word study on safety. How we define safety, and how God defines safety. And what it means to be safe.

First, on a personal note. I've never been some one to worry about finances (is that safety? being financially secure?) nor have I been someone to be a physically obtrusive person (is that safety? being physically safe from danger?) Is safety something that we desire as man? or is it something that God places over us? Where do we draw the line between being safe, and taking that leap of faith for what we believe in?

Going in to my graduation theres a lot still up in the air. and I guess a lot shat should be brought into consideration. How am I going to live? Being the man that God created me to be, I desire adventure. To travel the world and back again, to go to Mordor and destroy the ring in Mount Doom, To join the rebel alliance and take arms against the sith lords, to sacrifice everything that I am to share the love of God's grace. So I ask again, What does it mean to be safe?

In the ESV translation of the Bible, the word 'safe' is mentioned 28 times. 12 of those times is found in Psalms and Proverbs. Only 3 times in Jesus's ministry does he mention safety. And only one of those times does he mention the safety of man. (the other times were of man's protection of his possessions (Lk 11:21), the other the safety of a calf (Lk 15:27))

12 While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by that name you gave me

John 17:12.

It's interesting how the one time Jesus mentions safety, it is of how the triune God keeps us safe. There are so many instances in both the new and old testament of how man fails to keep himself safe, but God continues to protect his people.

...because, as surely as the LORD lives, you are safe; there is no danger.

1 Samuel 20:21.

1 Keep me safe, O God,

for in you I take refuge.

Psalm 16:1

28 Love and faithfulness keep a king safe;

through love his throne is made secure.

Proverbs 20:28.

One of my favorite verses as a follower of Christ:

6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid.

What can man do to me?

Ps 118:6.

After Francis Chan published his first book Crazy Love He was told by his publisher that his book has become a best seller and will generate over 1 mil $ in revenue. After praying over this with his wife they decided to sign over all of the income from the book to charities. ALL of it. He was soon approached by some members of his congregation who were concerned for his safety. saying he should at least keep some if it in case of an emergency. His responded asking them, is what is happening elsewhere in the world not an emergency? is my safety more important than others having clean water to drink? (this did not do it justice)

The idea is we so often try to keep ourselves safe with our possessions, with our steady jobs and steady income. We try to keep ourselves safe by living in a good neighborhood. By politically positioning ourselves in our communities and social networks. To live a life in the flesh there is so much we try to keep ourselves safe from: mentally, physically, and emotionally.

But what is the greater risk than a life that fails to live in constant pursuit if God's will?

This path

2010-04-27T02:47:00.000-07:00

I walk a life of faith
Not knowing where each foot will land
Not fearing where the path will lead
A path where fear doubt and temptation are preying on my distracted thoughts
I walk a life of distracted thoughts
Distracted thoughts
Distracted thoughts
I walk a life of forgiveness
With thoughts made right by the Cross
My load made light by his grace
This is one crooked path we walk

Art

2010-04-20T14:50:00.000-07:00

So I was reflecting on art today. Looking at my art, both digital and in the sketchbook, and how it's developed over the years. Looking at other people's styles and techniques, looking at writing and poetry and photography and architecture. Art is amazing. It seems we always struggle with creating something that suits what we like. We are our toughest critics. But why?

Why are we afraid to show people our drawings or our poems? Why are we afraid to sing in front of others? Why do we confine our art? This influences everything in our daily lives. How we confine ourselves. We're afraid that we aren't going to be right. That what we create will be rejected. This limits us to what others fill is right. Isn't art subjective? Who are others to tell me what wrong with my art? How are we to explore our capabilities when others are telling us no? There is no fear with art.

So of course as thoughts kept coming I began to think how does this effect my spiritual life? Am I confining God? Are my fears of other's view on me keeping me from having this amazing relationship with Christ? This sounds very elementary, like something you would here in a sermon for Jr highers or high schoolers. But nonetheless continues to influence my life. We have boldness in our art, why don't we have boldness in Christ? Why don't we advertise our God as much as we advertise our art? How will we ever have a better understanding of God if we don't explore him as we explore art?

The passion of a zealous God

2010-04-18T01:19:00.000-07:00

Yes, It's a hard concept to grasp. What kind of God creates EVERYTHING just to be recognized? For someone one who doesn't believe in the resurrection, this is what they see. Why would you want to worship a God who created everything just for his own self recognition. Worship goes beyond calling out recognition. To worship is a call to love. After God creates Adam and Eve his passion is to BE with them and to know them. However, after Adam and Eve eat Of the tree of knowledge the die spiritually, and are forever separated from God.

Genesis 2:17

"but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die."

After dying spiritually, being separated from God, man hides from God.

Genesis 3:8-9

⁸ Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. ⁹ But the LORD God called to the man, "Where are you?"

We can see God's desire to be with man. Man runs away, and God goes looking for him. This is God's passion, to intimately know his creation. Spending time with God is worship. Singing songs of Praise is worship. Spending time in God's word is worship. Spending time in prayer is worship.

In the life of Jesus we constantly see him spending time with God the Father. Even Christ, in the flesh, spends time in worship.

To me, this is amazing. That we have a God who is zealous to be with us, and to spend time with us , and to know us intimately. This is our God.

Together

2010-04-18T00:57:00.000-07:00

Together we walk

Made one in God's image

Together we fight

Fighting the good fight

Under the army of God

Together we fear

Finding comfort in God

Finding comfort in each other

Together we sin

Finding forgiveness in God

Together we pray

Coming humbly before our God

Together we praise

Singing joyfully!

Forever resounding His name

Together we are one in God

My Heart is Broken

2010-04-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

This has been a good weekend for poetry.

My Heart is Broken-

My heart is broken

But I fell so helpless

Eager to serve and tell them of you

But who am I? There's little I can do

I sit cowarding

Watching opportunities pass by

Praying for strength

Praying for guidance

Praying for comfort

Be with me, hold me,

mold me, make me more like you

They need to know!

They need to know who you are

This relationship, this love

My heart is broken

2010-04-16T23:39:00.000-07:00

These past couple days have inspired me to write a poem.

This Life-

This gift from God has taken me

His love and grave and set me free

I lay myself down, a servant to you

To tell you all of his good news

So look to Christ in all you do

For he will always be with you

This life of mine is not mine to give

For Christ, my God, I will always live

scattered thoughts

2010-03-30T01:08:00.001-07:00

I don't know why, But I fell pulled to write an entry right now. There is no plan for what this post will be about, so embrace me when what follows is trying to piece together scattered thoughts.

A lot has been happening in the past couple months, and a lot is going to be happening in the next coming months. It's always awesome to hear stories from people of how God is working in their lives. Hearing their stories is always an encouragement to my personal faith, which is always a needed thing. I find myself being pulled in so many directions, not between different tasks and places to be, but in my faith and my emotions. I know I shouldn't question God, but it's seems lately i've been losing my motivation for patience. I've always been a patient guy, there's not much that really gets to me (though it is possible), but time is a killer. God has blessed me with an amazing job, and has given me so many opportunities for which I could not be more thankful. It's been over two years now since i've been working with Universal Interactive developing toys, creating graphics, and other similar tasks and it's has definitely been a large part of my life. Over these two years I have truely felt that this job is where God has called me to be and calls me to be in the future. Given, I will never know what God's full plan for me is and can only move as he directs me.

But it seems i'm losing direction. Since that is where I felt God has called me to me I have put all my effort into making it happen. For two years now it has been a struggle with being broke, tired, a dimming hope, and running out of time. I'm scared. I try to relay confidence to my family and friends that everything is going to be ok, it will all work out soon, but I don't know. It's been two years of being beaten down, with the same hope as when this all started, and i'm beginning to lose patience with God. I'm sorry, and pray for forgiveness, but this is my struggle. If this is where God wants me to be, why does he wait soooo loooooonnngggg. Why does he show times where it seems everything is finally there, the day has come when you found out if it has all been worth it! but not yet, just a little bit longer, a little bit longer a littler bit longer. Sorry if your still reading this :) This is growing into a rant. SO THEN, here everything is. Coming down to the last wire, and all I can rely on is faith. It's a weak and powerful feeling when all you have is faith, no control, complete reliance on God.

"Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me; O LORD, be my help. You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever."

Psalm 30:10-12

Sometimes we must take risk. Having faith that God will step in, and not worrying about that which happens to me here, it is not my biggest concern.

Additionally, There is a constant struggle with sin. Sin that i've been trying to put behind me for a long time now, yet continue to struggle with. Sin that continues to burden me and yet I am able to find strength in Christ, and those who He's put in my life.

Sometimes we come to be broken not all at once, but slowly. Not even realizing it till we've reached the point of desperation. But it's at those times when we look back and see only one pair of footsteps on the beach, and know that they are not my own, but of God's, as he carries me everyday through my struggles.

God is good.

Laundry day [the one day of the month]

2010-03-01T04:49:00.000-08:00

As I was going through my laundry tonight I realized all the Christian shirts I've acquired over the years. Whether from Church camps, or hand-me-downs, or just as a gift, many even going back through the High school days (which wasn't that long ago). But it got me thinking, why do I wear them? Cause they're stylish? (they're not stylish) Is it to put that Christian mark on me? (eh, kinda, but not really) Is it for the memories from when I first got them? (this is the most true). And as the reasons started to come out I felt ashamed. This is not why I should wear these clothes. But then it occured to me. Even if I wear that shirt 1,000 times, and it brings just one solid conversation with some one, leaving even a spark of interest in Christ,

it was worth it.

Prayer for a Journey

2010-02-28T21:48:00.000-08:00

Thank you, God,

Not just for life,

But for the journey through life.

Life is a miracle,

And a journey through life

Is so full of so many more miracles

If we travel with our Heartsongs.

Thank you, God

For blessing me with the

Gift of Heartsongs,

So that I can enjoy my miracles.

By Mattie Stepanek [April 1998]

fear

2010-02-22T00:29:00.001-08:00

When fear shapes our lives, safety becomes our god. When safety becomes our god, we worship the risk-free life. The fear filled cannot love deeply. Love is risky.

2010-02-05T13:27:00.000-08:00

"If the world is was made by a God of peace, justice, and love, then that is why we know that violence, oppression, and hate are wrong. if the world is fallen, broken, and needs to be redeemed, that explains the violence and disorder we see."

Timothy Keller. The Reason for God

My soul weeps

2010-02-01T01:29:00.000-08:00

Today, I come with a broken heart. Never before have I felt so helpless, so sorrowful and the feet of a giant. Finally finished reading "Not For Sale" by David Batstone after putting it off for several months. And my heart is broken. It's amazing how prevalent slavery still is today and how little no one talks about it. Even when we do hear of these issues we hear of remote issues in select countries, But it's so much bigger. From the streets of Italy and Russia, Thailand and Cambodia, Sudan and Uganda, Washington DC to Los Angles. My soul weeps.

It's said, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist.

I find myself at fault in this too. Finding ease when talking about a living God, yet even among my brother's and sisters in Christ it's uncomfortable when talking about the devil. Almost as if when talking about the devil we're reach into the mystic realms of voodoo magic or something that we would just rather not believe truly existed. ANYWAYS

I have a new hero, his name is Padre Cesare. He is an abolitionist in Italy. He came to be where he not through an organization, but through the need of people who sit helpless in bondage. Through his own sacrifice he provides trafficked women with self sufficient jobs on their own accord. He now has a marked head by the Russian Mob and has had attempted hits on him multiple times. The Italian Government now provides him with a personal security guard at all times (not upon his request). He is a civilian who is not afraid to take action. He once said, "I am praying for a new generation of abolitionists who will open their hearts. Traffickers get away with murder because good people won't answer the calls of these young women crying out for help."

Please, please pray for a broken heart. Pray for compassion. Pray that God gives us the strength to take action. Pray that these people come to know the love and grace of Christ.

If your interested in more please let me know. I have a book you need to read.

2010-01-30T00:06:00.000-08:00

I cannot express the endless joy and perfect peace the comes through Christ.

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I’ll standMy soul Lord to You, surrendered
All I am is Yours

Oh man

2010-01-29T04:23:00.000-08:00

Today was a guilt trip day, A good one. Actually they're all probably good. anyways. I thought I had it all figured out. That I knew exactly what God wanted out of me. Or at least for the most part that is. And after school got out I would be completely free to pursue God's ministry. But before I could do that I needed to finish school. So my priorities have always been school. Focus on school, graduate, then freedom. A straight path to God's mission. Man was that ignorant.

It seems God always trickles little hints. Over the past couple weeks talking to completely different people About God's plan, our plan, and God's will and what not I always tended to brush off thinking I had it all figured out. This isn't to say that there are completely new plans. no. The plans are exactly the same. But I've been blind to the journey this entire time. To all the people along the way, and all the conversations that could've been, and all the ministering that should've been. But I've been too selfish, scared, and narrow minded to see all that God is doing. I am man, what can I say?

For this is God, our God forever and ever; He will be our guide even to death.

Psalm 48:14

August 28, 2009 1:31 am

2010-01-24T14:43:00.000-08:00

Today was good. For so long it's been hard to connect with God. and where he is in this world. But it's so simple, and complex. This also shows who God is and what God is. God is everywhere. God is forever. He is those around me. He is in my heart.

Also, on another note. For a while now I've been stuck on the idea that all my job is, is of this world.So how does that serve God? But at the same time, God gave me the talents I have. And he put me where I am. So this is where I will serve the Lord. By being an ambassador for God to those I work with by creating content that drives, inspires, and challenges people in their faith. By giving what is not mine to those in need. So I will work hard so I can fill God's blessing.

August 14, 2009 12:57 am

2010-01-24T14:38:00.000-08:00

So God works in funny ways. At tonights group we talked exactly whats been on my mind lately. Well kind....but some good points came up. This [Church] is definitely where I need to be.

You will seek me and find me. When you seek me

with all your heart. I will be found be you, declares the Lord.

Jeremiah 29:13-14

(Still looking....)

Mood: Stoked

2010-01-21T06:27:00.000-08:00

It's always amazing taking a step back and taking a broad look at everything. Literally EVERYTHING. Before I knew Him, before I asked Him, before evening conceiving the idea, God was working. I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am if it wasn't for God's hand moving me along. All the major moments, all the minute details, all the things you never thought would matter, God used. Not Only in my life, But the life of those around me. How much of an impact people have on each other and how much their lives intertwine and by how by simply opening yourself up to Christ, He will use you, wherever you are at any moment.

I've always felt so blessed to have the Job I have. It's my dream job. At the same time I always feel uncomfortable telling people of my work. So often it seems to come across as conceited or arrogant, which is not my intentions at all, Or they just straight up don't believe me. If only they cared enough to talk about the WHY. The why is everything. He is everything.

After contemplating for so long why God has put me here, Why He has brought me to California, why He brought me to the Church He has, why He gave me the talents He has, and why He has given me the job I have. There are so many reasons and so many endless ways to serve. First need to pray for patience and persistence. This summer I may have the opportunity to travel to China for work. China! We've been talking about it at work for a while, But it has just recently occurred to me why God is opening this opportunity. I only recently found out China was closed to missionaries. Even still God is placing so many amazing people over there to do his work. If it's in his plan to carry his word over there, Awesome! I will follow with an open heart.

Never been more stoked for what God's doing everywhere. But at the same time never felt so ill-prepared.

This leads into a new topic... pre-destination. It's stupid. I believe in the will of God, and man's choice to follow his will. pre-destination completely defeats God's purpose for life. Another topic for another day.

He has shown you, O man, what is good.

And what does the Lord require of you, but to do justice,

and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God"

Micah 6:8

August 13, 2009 9:41 am

2010-01-20T01:37:00.000-08:00

Ok, so this doesn't have as much to do about God, but about growth and growing up. Which I guess does have to do with finding God, but not directly.

So often we mistake growing up with change. But what about the word grow means to change? (I don't think i fully thought that sentence through when I wrote it...) No, grow means, well, growth. It's expanding who we are. Expanding in knowledge, expanding in experience. So to grow isn't about losing who we were, but expanding who we are. Also, we will never be "grown up" because we will always be growing.

About Prayer

2010-01-19T16:37:00.000-08:00

by Mattie Stepanek

When I go to my God
On bended Knee or any pose,
When I beg for assistence
With my friends or any foes,
When I gush words of joy
Or any thoughts of any little thing,
When I go to my God
With whatever prayer I bring...

I've got one foot planted
In my here, now today,
And one foot planted
In some heartbeat away,
I straddle the line
Of my earth-life and then,
I touch what I'm creating-
My reality some-when.

When I go to my God
I am revealing my soul,
When I pray for the world
Or my future, every goal,
When I rush thoughts of love
Or faith in any little thing,
When I go to my God
With whatever prayer I bring.

I've got one foot planted
In my here, now today,
And one foot planted
In some heartbeat away,
I straddle the line
Of my earth-life and then,
I touch what I'm creating-
My reality some-when.

See, the prayer is the link between
Our here now and our Then,
Yes, prayer is the connection
Between what will be and what's been.
And, prayer is the answer to
Each prayer within each heart,
Prayer can reassure us
That We're never far apart.

I've got one foot planted
In my here, now today,
And one foot planted
In some heartbeat away,
I straddle the line
Of my earth-life and then,
I touch what I'm creating-
My reality some-when.

So I go to my God
On bended Knee or any pose,
and I beg for assistence
With my friends or any foes,
Then I gush words of joy
Or faith in any little thing,
And I know that our God
Will hear whatever prayer I bring...

Cause I've got one foot planted
In my here, now today,
And one foot planted
In some heartbeat away,
I straddle the line
Of my earth-life and then,
I touch what I'm creating-
My reality some-when.

August 8, 2009 12:51 PM

2010-01-19T02:19:00.000-08:00

I think this is going to be a long one...

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how we hold value to material things. Especially with Jonathan being in Africa, reading their trip blog updates about how Joy is found in our relationships with those around us. This was brought further on Thursday during bible study when we went out to the district to observe and confront those around us. It came up in our discussions how we hold so much value to things such as music, and media and stores. Thinking about his put me in an inner struggle with work. Because thats what I do: promote, create, and advertise material goods. I know God put me in the place i'm in for a reason,but what reason is that? Am I suppose to wait till God reveals his plan? Or do I take action on a plan and let God guide me?

I know there's more to this life, but what is it?

One thing that bothers me, more of another struggle/barrier, is what makes our religion correct over another? Why does our religion have to be right? Maybe what I'm writing isn't coming out clearly. If I know my religion is right, and some one else knows their religion is right, how much do I force my beliefs on them? Do I simply state my beliefs and live and let be? Or is it my duty to jam it down their throats? How much of this is our own pride?

The Bible says, "Seek me with all your heart and you will find me."
....nothing yet. I'll keep trying.

August 1, 2009 12:46 AM

2010-01-19T02:12:00.000-08:00

Maybe the question "Who is God?" is the wrong question. Maybe it's "What is God?" or maybe there is no question at all...

It's interesting how people stress the need to be intimate with each other. Just this need to be with someone. My relationship with Lindsie taught me one critical point I had been missing my entire life. The unique physical bond between a husband and wife. I never saw the importance of this being unique. This whole thing about relationships is much like our relationship with God (whoever He is). We should have a unique relationship with God, the most important point to this all, Which is personal to me. I've never been able to fully commit myself to a relationship. Always some sort of hold backs or withdraws. Maybe this is how I've been with God?

July 29, 2009 12:02 AM

2010-01-19T02:10:00.000-08:00

Reading Case for Faith.

Pg 33
"Only in a world where faith is difficult can faith exist"
"...scripture defines God as a hidden God. You ave to make an effort of faith to find him."

Dr. Seuss

2010-01-15T00:12:00.001-08:00

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

Faith!

2010-01-12T13:48:00.000-08:00

It's pretty amazing.

How often do we live our lives making decisions based on our supposed knowledge. How many times do we hold back because we're afraid. I'm not saying these are bad things; knowledge is essential and fear can be our safe barrier. But where do we rely? On whom do we place our faith? Even still, We may talk of faith, and we may preach of faith, but do we live by faith?

I was listening to one of mike Erre's sermons today and as you guess it he was talking about faith. More importantly, do we live a life Truly placing faith in God? That he will continue to provide for our needs and that we can truly do ANYTHING through Christ?

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Phil 4:13

"so that your faith would not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God." 1 Cor. 2:5

I grew up in a Christian house, but not a house of faith. Even today I can see my parents placing their trust in the things of this world, putting a higher value on a career rather than God's kingdom. Whenever I tell them of involvement in another ministry I'll hear from them "are you sure that's the smart choice?" or "Russell, your dealing with dangerous people, can't you leave that work to someone else?" I understand their worries, but all I can say to them is "It'll be ok."

God's been working in my life and in the life of those around me before I even asked him to, before we even knew he existed, he was moving. It is by faith that we allow him to continue to work.

Living a life of Christ isn't about "knowing the right answers" (important yes), but living a life of faith in the power of God.

2010-01-08T16:00:00.001-08:00

Bowed Heads Bring Better Sight
by Julius Mashini

The road ahead is deep and wide
The gate to follow is lost in the tide
What gives hope is arms that hold
And grace that grows

With heads bowed to follow the line
A quick side glance to view
A long side look to lose teh way
A Prayer and a bow adjusts the Course

What way am I that leads
How can this be that I can see
Why do I deserve this hand
That leads me straight to you

The Amazement of the cross

2010-01-02T21:09:00.000-08:00

Today I am excited.

Excited in the awesomeness of the Cross.

In the sacrifice Christ made so we can come to know Him.

Excited to share how the Cross changes Everything!

This past month has been a struggle for me in my Faith. Even though I was just baptized, I continued to doubt. Why the Christian God? Why is Christianity true over Judaism or Islam or other world religions? Even still, continuing to pray, continuing to worship, continuing to to be thankful.

Today my heart has changed. The Christian life isn't about being kind, or simply helping others. It's about the cross. It's about the Sacrifice Christ made so we can receive Grace. We don't give to feel good about ourselves. We give to show the sacrifice that Christ made for us. So you can know and see and experience Christ's Grace of forgiveness and love.

Here is a story of what Christ's sacrifice looks like:

A murderer is on death row, fully guilty of the Crime he committed. The day before he was to be put to death a man comes to him, tells him he is free, and takes his place in his cell on death row. Not only is he ready to face the impending death, but he is joyous that he can share the freedom and life that is now available.

I've never been more thankfull for the Cross the the Grace that God has given us.

Lord, I pray that other's may see who you really are. That they may see past the stereotypes this world has given you so they may receive the true gift you have given us all. Give me the strength and courage to be an example of who you are. So others can see past the petty worries ans struggles of our everyday lives. Use me here Lord.

"Oh Happiness! There is Grace, enough for us and the Whole human race!"

Questions

2009-12-16T00:56:00.000-08:00

I can say today with Full confidence that God Exists. Of this I have no doubt. But why the Christian God? Simple because it makes more sense than other religious doctrines? Because it does make more sense than others. But does that make it true? Looking at it from a secular perspective Jesus was just some crazy dude who claimed to be the son of God. But from the Christian view he's the Son of God. The Divine gift sent as our Saviour. It's beautiful. Then Why is it so hard to accept this? Why do I keep finding myself second guessing everything? Questioning everything? Holding other world views and theologic ideals just as high if not more so than the Bible? Gods LIVING WORD! Why do I give just as much time debating and studying these when they are merely man made doctrines? too many questions.

Lord, I pray that you will fill me with your living spirit. As your humble servant. I pray for those who don't know you, for the so many that are lost. That you will lead them and guide them to your presence. Please give me the courage and the boldness to willfully represent you in giving your gift to others.

July 28th 1:00 am

2009-12-02T21:17:00.000-08:00

**The following series of posts are from a series of Journal entries from the summer of 2009

So I'v never been mad at God before. Maybe i've never felt the need to, or maybe I've just never cared enough to be mad. Even now I don't have a good reasonto be mad at God other than Where is he? and why can't I find him?

I've grown up my entire life in a Christian Family living by Christian Ideals. And I don't that at all. But if someone honestly asked me whether I was a Christian, I would have to say no. I know God exists, but I don't know who he is. I don't care don't care about being wrong in what I believe in. But what is it that I do believe?

I've gone my entire life trying yo surround myself with hoping God would reveal himself that way. But my whole life I've just been waiting. Never caring enough to passionately pursue Christ but always being peacefully satisfied where I was. Recently I've been looking harder than I'v ever tried before. Whether at camp, church, reading, whatever. Everytime I'd come close to fully devote myself, I'd stop. Then lose it like a hair in the wind. Well maybe more like a balloon cause I can see it floating away.

Where is he?! Who is he?! Why can't I know who he is? Maybe i've never realy cared about my religion. maybe I've never tried. But now I do. It is now time to confront my faith and beliefs and dig a threshhold. Do I just need a breakdown? Is there one moment that defines your faith? maybe this whole thing is selfish. But I would rather have confidence in my faith.

As a side note: A couple days ago I thought of this awesome parody to God: When we swim under water in a pool to get to the other side it is hard to do this with our eyes closed. But with our eyes open we can see our goal and Destination. We need to keep our eyes open on God and in Life.

Now the question I ask is, What is it I'm looking at?

1:26 am

fears

2009-12-02T19:22:00.000-08:00

I have two fears.

(1) That I will fall from striving to live in Christ's image and become a Sunday Christian, and (2) that God doesn't exist. That I am, all that I work for, all that I strive to be is meaningless.

What else is there two fear? what else is worth fearing?

So we can confidently say,

“The Lord is my helper;
I will not fear;
what can man do to me?”

—Hebrews 13:6

I believe with full confidence that God exists. That Jesus Christ was his son on earth and the God's spirit is an acting force, alive and moving today. Yet it still plagues my mind that He might not exist. That the core of my beliefs are wrong. It deeply saddens me how much time I give thought to this. Time that could be spent in God's word or in prayer.

I fear this not for the possibility that it is true. God's alive. I fear this because effects me, because it detaches me from the relationship I have and can have with Christ.

But there's comfort and rest. So long I've been stuck on the idea that we search and strive for Christ because that's what human do. Because we have this need for God. But this is not the reason. We strive for God and seek Him because He exists, and He wants us to find Him.

Coming back from Mexico was amazing. Times like these when your on fire for Christ and you can see what he's doing throughout the world. That He's bigger than you or I, or the American religion so many make it out to be. You don't want to loose that passion.

So I ask for your prayer. If you see me fall, call me out, lift me up. And I will do the same for you.

Lord, I pray to you now. Never leave my side. I am yours.