July 28th 1:00 am

**The following series of posts are from a series of Journal entries from the summer of 2009

So I'v never been mad at God before. Maybe i've never felt the need to, or maybe I've just never cared enough to be mad. Even now I don't have a good reasonto be mad at God other than Where is he? and why can't I find him?

I've grown up my entire life in a Christian Family living by Christian Ideals. And I don't that at all. But if someone honestly asked me whether I was a Christian, I would have to say no. I know God exists, but I don't know who he is. I don't care don't care about being wrong in what I believe in. But what is it that I do believe?

I've gone my entire life trying yo surround myself with hoping God would reveal himself that way. But my whole life I've just been waiting. Never caring enough to passionately pursue Christ but always being peacefully satisfied where I was. Recently I've been looking harder than I'v ever tried before. Whether at camp, church, reading, whatever. Everytime I'd come close to fully devote myself, I'd stop. Then lose it like a hair in the wind. Well maybe more like a balloon cause I can see it floating away.

Where is he?! Who is he?! Why can't I know who he is? Maybe i've never realy cared about my religion. maybe I've never tried. But now I do. It is now time to confront my faith and beliefs and dig a threshhold. Do I just need a breakdown? Is there one moment that defines your faith? maybe this whole thing is selfish. But I would rather have confidence in my faith.

As a side note: A couple days ago I thought of this awesome parody to God: When we swim under water in a pool to get to the other side it is hard to do this with our eyes closed. But with our eyes open we can see our goal and Destination. We need to keep our eyes open on God and in Life.

Now the question I ask is, What is it I'm looking at?

1:26 am